fuck this life

i cant seem to shake this nasty feeling... its like anxiety and frustation and anger all balled up and stinking like moldy cheese in the pit of my stomache. i swear sometimes it makes me nauseous. its making me rethink all my plans and aspirations and goals for myself because i know i cant do them. i don't think i'll ever graduate college and function as an adult. i don't want to have to rethink everything. i just want to get my degree and be a history teacher. thats it. i feel like i have such small hopes for myself, that i keep cutting off from the bigger better things i can do. there are people my age in military academies and internships and hugely selective four year colleges who wouldn't even open my transcripts if they knew what was inside. but i'm smarter than those grades and i'm better than chaffey college. i just can't do it. i don 't know why. i just can't seem to get motivated or independent enough. i don't know. maybe i just don't have a lot of hope for myself. i don't think i can make it in the real world so why try? i'll always be a fuck-up and i have no idea how to fix it, other than the obvious: try harder, get to class, do the work, be responsible... I KNOW! i know, I Know, I KNOW!!! theres got to be something wrong with me. i'm talented and intelligent and most people like me... so what the hell is my problem? i swear, if i didn't have kevin and my awesome family and all my friends who care about me and all the blessings that God has bestowed upon me... i would have no reason to live for myself. But i do thank God. so thats obviously not something i have to worry about.

I guess its good i'm not moving out with Morgan. i'd probably be in deeper shit than i am now. having to pay rent and car payments... while working fulltime and going to school. i'd never be able to do that. i'm just too screwed up to keep my head screwed on.

maybe i should join the military, or a convent. but then theres the whole "gay" thing. that could be an issue. hah...

Hollywoodland

These walls were built with bricks of books
The mortar was the sand
Collected between the pages
From the day I held your hand

The sunlight that your blistered body
Burned the ink onto my skin
Tattooing quotes from long gone ghosts
Festering because of sin

Had you of told me just before
That permanence arose
This room of books would have a door
Still would it stay closed

Not words of wisdom or change of pace
Could countenance I hail
The wall of books that presents itself
Upon my sallow veil

Enclosed behind a curtain
A Halloween of sorts
Will is clearly broken
So let me make this short

Inscribed upon my face it seems
The window to a soul
Reflected in eyes of brown
The truth come to be told

What wicked language tells you
Is simply beyond compare
What lies within this flesh and bone
Aching to be shared

Fiscally your excerpts pain
My future may be stolen
Where teaching lacks and sustenance fail
This heart is far from frozen

Where it does lack in being jovial
Hidden deep inside
Confidence in form of stone
Behind which I do hide

So what I mean to say is
Though few would agree
I may be marked outside
But you have not fractured me.

we'll take the trail marked on your father's map

listening to: the futile by say anything

on my mind:
-i still need to do laundry
-tattoos
-culinary school vs. history teacher
-tarot cards
-bad grades
-i've decided i'm done with being single...

its not as great as i tell myself it is. how come the world's fattest man has a wife and i can't seem to get myself a girlfriend... i'm too whiny these days. im so tired and i havent finished any of the stuff i needed to finish and all i can think about is my developing tan. oh well.

i'm currently downloading the hives. i don't think i've ever heard a single one of their songs but i've heard OF them so i decided might as well.

happy mother's day. btw. my mom got two presents from me this year. a little wooden cheese tray in the shape of a pig (inside joke... kinda) and a french olive oil dispenser. cool stuff.

speaking of cool stuff: my mom is giving me her mom's supercool vintage yellow wingback chair for my new bedroom. its kinda the pies de resistance (fukd spelling i know) of the entire room. were adding this new bedroom to our garage so i'll have a semblance of independence. with my own door to the outside and everything.

your always gunna be that guy without those friends

listening to: friends were gone by wavves

on my mind:
-skipping class
-ac/dc sucks
-joining a renaissance fair
-whats with all this hornyness all of a sudden?
-i'm much too honest
- harry potter
-motivation...

sometimes i feel like i will never be able to function as a contributing member of society. i can't get anything done. i'm never on time for anything important. i waste so much time reading, or blogging. why can't i get my shit together? i used to blame it all on my ADD which definately is a contributing factor. i am way more productive and focused when i take the medicine... its just remembering to take the medicine thats the problem. i feel like dory. i'm not stupid i've just got so much stuff going on in my head that i cant make myself remember to do anything i'm supposed to. like pay parking citations, or register for classes, or clean out my car, or go to class. i feel like if i cant do the easy shit now how will i possible get into a four ear college or go to graduate school and become a teacher and/or chef and pay bills. i just dont think i can do it!

i dont want to be a nun or in the military or anything like that. i'd hate that. but what else can i do to do things right? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

get informed

i don't know if anyone has noticed... but a lot of hipsters seem to be sporting the keffiyah theses days. its getting pretty popular with people like lil' wayne, cameron diaz, and david beckham wearin them all over the place. now i know they look pretty cool and i have been known to dawn one once in a while... until i found out what exactly they meant. i probably sound entirely ignorant to those of you who have been in the know for a long time, but it wasn't until recently that i discovered that the keffiyah is a symnbol of Palestinian solidarity. i dont know about anyone else, but i happen to fall on the Zionist side of things when it comes to the Isreali-Palestinian conflict and by wearing a keffiyah i effectively contradicted my beliefs with my fashion. never a good thing to do. so in solidarity with my Jewish friends, and with the utmost respect to my Arab and Muslim friends, i retire my keffiyahs to the back of my sock drawer. never to be worn again.

before the dawn heals us

listening to: nothing (omygawd weird huh?)

soooo.... i definately like it when people comment my bloggies. even if its just britt, because britt, i know your the only one who reads my blog.

not true?

prove me wrong. write me a comment bitches.


lol. i really don't care if anyone reads my blog because honestly its more for me than anyone else.

but it would be nice to be acknowledged once in a while

i just want to forget, and who could forget

listening to: walking in the rain by tania maria

here is a real recipe i created the other day. i was jonesing for some good soup and sadly supermarket soup is all made with some type of beef broth or chicken fat. So instead of making myself one of my mother's go-to quesadillas i made this:

tuscan style tomato bean soup

ingredients:
28oz can of whole tomatoes
14 oz can black beans
4 tbsp chianti
2 tbsp water
2 whole bay leaves
4-6 whole garlic cloves
4 tsp grated parmesean
2 tsp cayanne pepper
kosher salt and pepper to taste
large slices dense italian bread
thick slices of mozarella cheese

directions:
preheat oven to 450 degrees. simmer first 9 ingredients on medium heat until bubbling and slightly thicker. Chop up one slice of bread into small cubes and insert into soup. Turn up heat and stir continuously until bread absorbs liquid and is evenly dispersed throughout soup. Turn down heat to low and let thicken. Pour soup into bakeable ramekins and put one slice of bread and one slice of mozarella atop the soups (like french onion soup). Bake the soups for about 5 minutes or until the mozarella melts on top of the bread.

Its a little time consuming I know, but the result is absolutely work it. Perfect rainy day meal for two or three. (I also recommend making it at the beginning of the week for lunches etc as it refrigerates really well.) But be sure to remove the bay leaves before serving!

who do you love

listening to: just another lonely night by the o'jays

here is a recipe for a good night:
5 thin slices imported pecorino
5 rosemary watercress crackers
1 glass of chateau st. michele cabernet
1 record of manhattan's best jazz standards (i.e: stanley turrentine)
1 novel or cookbook (for all you foodies out there)

directions: deposit the slices of pecorino atop crackers while slowly (SLOWLY) sipping cab from a red wine glass. if you put the wine in a white wine glass it gets less surface are and doesn't get the chance to decant. turn on the jazz, sit back in your non-leather (don't kill any animals please), and read.

its that simple. just read.

its just flesh and bone

listening to: fine young cannibals by wolf parade

gotta get back into blogging mode. i haven't posted in almost a week. i'll probably blog about something tonight. 45minute drive out to riverside and back gives me some time alone to think about schtuff. but right now, i have to go to the goodwill drop off center to purge myself of clothing i haven't worn in a year or so. then i should probably get started on organizing the rest of my room. its getting hectic-ish.

i'm still feeling sick. i should go to the doctor. oh wait, i work for one. nevermind.

...and then there are the big ones

well, happy easter tomorrow. i, being the completely boneheaded catholic(ish) totally forgot about easter and lent and givvin shit up and the whole good friday fasting thing. its a good thing im a vegetarian or else i would have been knee deep in guilt, that stuff the church doles out in droves (<--- is this a word?). ah well, what can yah do.

meanwhile, back at the ranch (mr. o joke for anyone from st lucys), its been pretty chill lately. doin a lot of cookin and reading and hangin out with cristina mostly. i got a really cool haircut. kinda a pseudo pixie/faux hawk type of deal. very cool. im diggin it definately, especially because it makes it even more obvious that i'm gay... got hit on a few times ;)

things are looking up. i have no leukemia and my parents are going out of town again so i can finally get caught up with the buffy the vampire series. i swear i'm ten years later than everyone else on this whole dealio.

think im gunna go see a movie with cristina and linday tonight if cristina ever texts me.... observe and report. should be good

oh holy bookgasm!!!!

well, guess what divine literary entity i stumled upon yesterday evening? thats right! you totally didn't guess it.... "a day at el bulli" by ferran adria himself!!!! hooray hooray hooray! this book that i understood as not being available in the united states except through ordering from spain happened to be sitting, waiting patiently for me at the local barnes and noble. oh holy day, what mystical miracle! today is the day... i shall pool my resources and hurry on down to purchase the culinary book to end alllllll culinary books by the master of molecular gastronomy himself the FERRAN ADRIA!!!!! yay :)

blurbbity blurb

listening to: loud pipes by ratatat

so.... i really don't like mean bands. you know, if you want me to listen to your music and possibly tell my friends about it, post about you on facebook, or put you in my extremely famous and well known blog then be nice to me! what good is it to you if you turn me off by being annoying and rude? be thankful that anyone is at your show!

theres no raving without ranting

if you don't love me, pretend

listening to: a drop in the ocean by ron pope... again
i've listened to that song about 28 times in the past three hours

ahhhh the power of love.

sooooo, i have a crush on someone. but i'm not gunna say who.

and no, i'm not talking about jordin sparks.... even though i am still very much a "fan" of hers ;)

but in other news, i have been reading like crazy over the past few days and i completely forgot how cathartic reading was (is). don't you love when you have a book that you just can't put down? its kinda exciting to be experiencing this especially since i havent let myself read in such volume in a very very long time.

i'm telling people about this sudden burst of reading addiction and they go off and spout about 57 books i should read after i finish my current one! so now my bedside table has literally fourteen books stacked on top of each other according to size and i am trying to finish them like a mad women so that in the case of an earthquake i won't be suffocated by literature. that death would incur way too much irony for my tastes.

so if you recommended a book or loaned me a book i apologize for the lack of response and slow return rate. it may take a while but you should rest knowing i am fully enjoying myself. oh, and the books i have finished are available for loan at the kelsey fagan library located wherever i happen to be located at that time. (usually wherever boba or opera dvds are sold!)

don't breed hate babies

currently listening to: love letter to japan by the bird and the bee

so overall today has been really really shitty. its been too short, too long, lonely and overfilled with people. its been very trying on my nerves and my heart. i feel emotionally and physically exhausted and i just want to go to sleep and wake up when i turn 33. i'll be passed all this judgement, trivial and annoying emotions for people who either don't deserve them or won't reciprocate (FUCK!), and i'll finally get away from the hate babies.

i loathe hate babies. they stem from uber-religious zealots, superconservative assholes (see: ann coulter), and ignorant hypocrites. i live with a few actually. people, ususally children, who come out of the womb without the ability to think rationally for themselves. they turn to their homophobic intolerant hate mongering CHRISTIAN parents and soak up all putrid hate they can absorb. then they go to church and hear the same "Christian" crap over and over again. god hates fags, donate to us so we can build churches as freaking huge as the vatican, or maybe: men, you can be priests but you silly ladies are incapable of turning bread into body and wine into blood.

do you really think this is how Jesus Christ wants you to live and act? Thats not the Jesus i know and love. Jesus was extremely poor, he preached about living without materials but one of the highest concentrations of gold and precious metals in the world is VATICAN FREAKING CITY! Jesus preached about loving your neighbor as yourself and not passing judgement. He taught that love transcends all things but apparently to "christians and the parishoners of st. peter and paul catholic church" gay people aren't included in that little statement. and its all done in His holy name!

these people aren't christian. they follow "infallible" (whose idea was that anyway) teachings that come from regular old imperfect human beings. so from now on i'm not christian. I am a follower of Christ. i wish to live my life the way my Jesus Christ would. without the interfereing meddlings of men (but not women) who are so damn confused they wouldn't recognize Jesus if He bit them in the ass.

wow. what a rant! that was fun ;)



hate babie example #1 (more to follow at a later date):

so i picked up my little sister form my aunt's house today and we were planning to see the play at st. lucys (which we unfortunately missed cuz i was late). she started telling me how excited she was to start school at lucys in two years. we talked about her class color, all the good teachers and the crappy ones, how the rallies were. you know regular st. lucys stuff. then after a brief pause she looks at me and says these exact words:

"I just hope that when I'm there, there aren't any lesbos. Because they are creepy and gross. EWWWWW."

i looked forward, considering the irony of the situation and slowly sarcastically say: "oh i know. they are quite disgusting." she just looked at me and smiled completely missing the sarcasm, like we were engaging in a pleasant conversation about the weather.

i hope to God she breaks from her naivety and accepts all forms of life and love. i don't want to see her in ten years wallowing her hatred of anything different or foreign to her like my parents or the freaking entirety of the catholic church. maybe when i finally come out to her and my other brother and sister they will have made friends or grown tolerance or maybe even seen the error in their primitive ways. i truly hope so because i don't think i could live with the same rejection i have from my parents coming from my siblings. it would be just too much hatred from the hate babies.

i got you babe

currently listening to: Daylight by Matt & Kim

so its about 1:20 in the morning as i'm writing this... and i'm just feeling down. my night was pretty much awesome. vince's spaghetti, "would you rather?", taken, birthday presents, being buttdialed by the parents. So in all honesty i don't know why im so down. well actually i do but its hard to talk to people about it for tons of reasons.... lets just not get into that right now.

what i'm getting at though is things we just CANT say. i have fabulous friends and i can tell them a lot of things, its just that theres things i (and by "i" i mean anyone in this similar situation) shouldn't and wont tell them in order to preserve the relationship or disclose more than they could possibly care to digest. let me give you an example: you can't go up to your best friend and say "i have raging hernias protruding from my anus" or "i desperately want to get into your sister's pants" its just not appropriate. you could tell your physician or that super horndog 18 yr old boy in your sociology class but you can't tell the people who care about you and you care about the most. which is funny huh?

not really. because actually (i'm starting to sound like kevin here) it kinda sucks. i think everyone needs someone that they can be totally frank with, whether thats as boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, or some higher spiritual being. at least i know i do. i need a filter free convo on a regular basis to keep my sanity and to be completely honest, i'm going insane. thats the issue with my life really. i've gone to two preschools, four elementary schools, two high schools and now a new college i will have to transfer from next year. thats nine schools in a period of 13 years. no wonder i'm so fucked up when it comes to making real friends. i'm not afraid of commitment, i just havent had the chance to commit to anyone. or anything. so i'm standoffish and outgoing at the same time. i have to make friends quick but keep them at an arms length just in case i need (or have) to bail. i'm not fake for the most part but superficially changing my personality is a mechanism i've developed so i'm not completely lonely all the time. but i'm getting there again. feeling the urge to jump ship after transfering out of chaffey and not cling to my life here like i have done in the past. thats tortue. i made myself believe i was still friends with everyone from washington for years but when i leave again i don't think i'll give myself that false hope.

i have yet to find that person. the person i can talk to without filter or fear of rejection and judgement. i have a fabulous group of friends who are really open with me and each other but a lot of times i feel contrived. like i don't fill the position properly. i didn't grow up with these girls like they did with each other. i didn't grow up with anyone. i mean my family loves me and cares for me but they still just don't get it or fill that hole; they've created a whole can of worms themselves.

maybe this person will be my spouse, or my aforementioned god or just some sort of inner realization from which i obtain satisfaction of mind. but until then i will share with you. the undefinable you, whether its britt, or another one of my friends, or some stranger dinkin around on the web.

heres to you, You! I have raging hernias protruding from my anus and i desperately want to get into your sister's pants.

... well not really. but it wrapped up the entry quite nicely.

the door slams loud

listening to: burning by the whitest boy alive

current thoughts:
-attention deficit disorder medicines
-knee pain
-mean cleaning lady
-intelligent design
-working in a few minutes
-i should put some pants on

i've been listening to a lot of lily allen's new album recently. ever the critic i figured she was just like my dear amy winehouse or that bloody terrible duffy. (wouldn't it be funny if i actually used the word bloody in a sentence not concerning english stuff or ronald weasley?) but i heard her song fuck you on XMU the indie music sirius station in my new car. new favorite song, not just because its so comically hypocritical but its so ironically relevant to me. so after picking up my 6 inch veggie on wheat at subway i went straight home and downloaded the album in its entirety. i gave the song "him" a listen and sat stunned in my bamboo desk chair.

ever since he can remember people have died in his good name

he doesn't know whats right or wrong

do you think his favorite type of person is caucasian.

his favorite band is creedence clearwater revival


well what the fuck does that mean? either shes on one hell of a trip or she is way more intelligent than i had initially determined. and i happen to strongly believe i'm the one at fault here. maybe i've watched religulous a few too many times but with that influence in cunjunction with everything going on in my life and lily allen's song i have become inspired to define what i believe. so here goes:

my god is gender free

i don't believe in someone who hates or is jealous.

my god loves gay people, black people, muslim people, and stupid people.

i don't believe in hell because i don't elieve in a god that would create something as beautiful but temptable as a human being just to let it suffer for eons in a firey pit of dispair

my god doesn't want you to kill people

my god believes in evolution.

my god sees love in every form as the most perfect human emotion be it sexual, spiritual, physical, or emotional love

my god doesn't condem based on the judgements of humans but has a divine discernment that no one else posseses. which is why its a god.

my god is not hindu, christian, muslim, buddhist, or any other human institution of religion

my god is in everyone and everything. it eminates from all actions and thoughts and affects every desicion and every occurence

my god is loving, tolerant, merciful, and non-judgemental

my god is probably covered in tattoos and listens to the elton john

elephant gun

listening to: scenic world by beirut

concerning the name of my blogggggg:

"one in a million, or one of a million. i can never remember which."

under other circumstances i try to avoid discussions of politics with people i've just met (or those who have just met me... however you want to look at this interaction is fine). but for all intensive purposes i feel it is important to my integrity and my fellow bloggers to proclaim no holds barred the impetus behind my blog name.


plain and simple: i'm a pro-life democrat. confusing huh?

not something you see everyday; most people just ask me if i'm confused.

but no. i am a gun hating, war avoiding, homo loving, peace freak hippy who just happens to really really really really abhor abortion, and the death penalty for that matter.

i luuuuuuve the babies

so yes politically i'm a bit funky but thats not where it ends...

plain and simple never really turns out to be plain and simple does it?



I consider myself to be an "old soul." by this i mean, i act like a technologically proficient old person. i read, i attend operas, i love classical music, i drink wine, i'd prefer face-to-face conversation with any intelligent forty year old to text messaging "exchange of grunts" with someone my own age. i cook and i want to own a bed and breakfast. i worry about my retirement and i am appling for an ROTHIRA, or i will eventually, at least within the next year. i read old books, watch old movies, listen to old music, and i love OLD art. i'm an effing history major for god's sake.

i have yet to find an almost 19 year old as old as me.

last of a dying breed is a bit ironic in that sense isn't it?

oh and the "dyeing" versus "dying" thing is just because i dye my hair a lot... a lot a lot

F.Y.I.

i realize i'm posting a bunch of "new" blogs in a very short amount of time.... don't judge.


actually, most of these posts, both previous and upcoming, i wrote prior to today. i'm just being overly forthright with my thoughts.

i'm also not usually this prolific of a writer,

or this spastic.


listening to: easier by grizzly bear

everyday we wake up, we choose love

listening to: triggering back by benoit pioulard

currently on my mind:
-parents in italy
-the curse
-math test at 730am tomorrow
-how feelings tend to evolve differently over the internet
-personification of strange objects (ie: swarovski hello kitty necklace)

i wish i could learn about everything and everyone. maybe i'm just nosey or i enjoy the satisfaction of knowledge but don't you ever want to follow someone you don't know around. just to see how they live their life, who influences them, which parent they look like more, or which type of kid they were in elementary school? i don't know.

heres an example: there is a girl in my music class. i don't want to say she's weird but she's unique and kinda annoying. no, really annoying. she has a funky shape. she always clips her fingernails in class and when she concentrates really hard she puckers her lips really big like shes making a kissing face. she has short brownish red hair and always wears her pants all rolled up to make her legs look shorter than they already are. i get the feeling she is a very happy person. all she does is answer questions in class. a bit of a know it all but she actually knows it all and is pretty condescending about it. does she care what people think of her? i really don't think so. maybe its just my perception of her but i wish i had the reckless abandon and freedom of character to wear grandma clothes with baseball caps and bring a third grader's napsack to school.

i want to get to know her but i'm too, i don't know, shy? stuck up? something.... i'm too something to go up and ask her about her dumbledore tee shirt and her vast knowledge of utterly useless information.

my loss i guess

old habits die hard

basic information:

age: 19

gender: female

favorite movie: Some Like It Hot

favorite books:
The Count of Monte Cristo
The Portrait of Dorian Grey
The Great Gatsby
Cannery Row
Serve The People
The Giver
Timeline
The Sharper Your Knife the Less You Cry

favorite musical artists:
Elvis Costello
Death Cab for Cutie
Elton John
Billy Joel
U2
Beirut
Belle & Sebastian
Wolf Parade
Sufjan Stevens

more vital facts:
-my ring finger is slightly longer than my pointer finger
-i have a ball python named Casimir. i named him after the Sufjan Stevens song.
-i'm adopted
-i'm narcissistic
-i produce a lot of body heat
-my favorite chef is Ferran Adria. he's from El Bulli in Spain
-i don't like capital letters except for at the beginning of pronouns
-i am an old person stuck in the body of a college student
-i cook everything well, even meat
-i'm a vegetarian
-i don't eat everything i cook

La la la la lovely

Well hello there.

Welcome.

I love you!

hmmmmm, too fast for the first date?

My sincerest apologies.

In other news, I'm glad you've come to my blog. Oh the places we'll go! The people we'll see!

You will find my ramblings and observations as well as some good music and maybe a book review here or there.

We'll see how this goes.

Thank you for stopping by and I love you!



...sorry.