currently listening to: Daylight by Matt & Kim
so its about 1:20 in the morning as i'm writing this... and i'm just feeling down. my night was pretty much awesome. vince's spaghetti, "would you rather?", taken, birthday presents, being buttdialed by the parents. So in all honesty i don't know why im so down. well actually i do but its hard to talk to people about it for tons of reasons.... lets just not get into that right now.
what i'm getting at though is things we just CANT say. i have fabulous friends and i can tell them a lot of things, its just that theres things i (and by "i" i mean anyone in this similar situation) shouldn't and wont tell them in order to preserve the relationship or disclose more than they could possibly care to digest. let me give you an example: you can't go up to your best friend and say "i have raging hernias protruding from my anus" or "i desperately want to get into your sister's pants" its just not appropriate. you could tell your physician or that super horndog 18 yr old boy in your sociology class but you can't tell the people who care about you and you care about the most. which is funny huh?
not really. because actually (i'm starting to sound like kevin here) it kinda sucks. i think everyone needs someone that they can be totally frank with, whether thats as boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, or some higher spiritual being. at least i know i do. i need a filter free convo on a regular basis to keep my sanity and to be completely honest, i'm going insane. thats the issue with my life really. i've gone to two preschools, four elementary schools, two high schools and now a new college i will have to transfer from next year. thats nine schools in a period of 13 years. no wonder i'm so fucked up when it comes to making real friends. i'm not afraid of commitment, i just havent had the chance to commit to anyone. or anything. so i'm standoffish and outgoing at the same time. i have to make friends quick but keep them at an arms length just in case i need (or have) to bail. i'm not fake for the most part but superficially changing my personality is a mechanism i've developed so i'm not completely lonely all the time. but i'm getting there again. feeling the urge to jump ship after transfering out of chaffey and not cling to my life here like i have done in the past. thats tortue. i made myself believe i was still friends with everyone from washington for years but when i leave again i don't think i'll give myself that false hope.
i have yet to find that person. the person i can talk to without filter or fear of rejection and judgement. i have a fabulous group of friends who are really open with me and each other but a lot of times i feel contrived. like i don't fill the position properly. i didn't grow up with these girls like they did with each other. i didn't grow up with anyone. i mean my family loves me and cares for me but they still just don't get it or fill that hole; they've created a whole can of worms themselves.
maybe this person will be my spouse, or my aforementioned god or just some sort of inner realization from which i obtain satisfaction of mind. but until then i will share with you. the undefinable you, whether its britt, or another one of my friends, or some stranger dinkin around on the web.
heres to you, You! I have raging hernias protruding from my anus and i desperately want to get into your sister's pants.
... well not really. but it wrapped up the entry quite nicely.
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