i cant seem to shake this nasty feeling... its like anxiety and frustation and anger all balled up and stinking like moldy cheese in the pit of my stomache. i swear sometimes it makes me nauseous. its making me rethink all my plans and aspirations and goals for myself because i know i cant do them. i don't think i'll ever graduate college and function as an adult. i don't want to have to rethink everything. i just want to get my degree and be a history teacher. thats it. i feel like i have such small hopes for myself, that i keep cutting off from the bigger better things i can do. there are people my age in military academies and internships and hugely selective four year colleges who wouldn't even open my transcripts if they knew what was inside. but i'm smarter than those grades and i'm better than chaffey college. i just can't do it. i don 't know why. i just can't seem to get motivated or independent enough. i don't know. maybe i just don't have a lot of hope for myself. i don't think i can make it in the real world so why try? i'll always be a fuck-up and i have no idea how to fix it, other than the obvious: try harder, get to class, do the work, be responsible... I KNOW! i know, I Know, I KNOW!!! theres got to be something wrong with me. i'm talented and intelligent and most people like me... so what the hell is my problem? i swear, if i didn't have kevin and my awesome family and all my friends who care about me and all the blessings that God has bestowed upon me... i would have no reason to live for myself. But i do thank God. so thats obviously not something i have to worry about.
I guess its good i'm not moving out with Morgan. i'd probably be in deeper shit than i am now. having to pay rent and car payments... while working fulltime and going to school. i'd never be able to do that. i'm just too screwed up to keep my head screwed on.
maybe i should join the military, or a convent. but then theres the whole "gay" thing. that could be an issue. hah...
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