fuck this life

i cant seem to shake this nasty feeling... its like anxiety and frustation and anger all balled up and stinking like moldy cheese in the pit of my stomache. i swear sometimes it makes me nauseous. its making me rethink all my plans and aspirations and goals for myself because i know i cant do them. i don't think i'll ever graduate college and function as an adult. i don't want to have to rethink everything. i just want to get my degree and be a history teacher. thats it. i feel like i have such small hopes for myself, that i keep cutting off from the bigger better things i can do. there are people my age in military academies and internships and hugely selective four year colleges who wouldn't even open my transcripts if they knew what was inside. but i'm smarter than those grades and i'm better than chaffey college. i just can't do it. i don 't know why. i just can't seem to get motivated or independent enough. i don't know. maybe i just don't have a lot of hope for myself. i don't think i can make it in the real world so why try? i'll always be a fuck-up and i have no idea how to fix it, other than the obvious: try harder, get to class, do the work, be responsible... I KNOW! i know, I Know, I KNOW!!! theres got to be something wrong with me. i'm talented and intelligent and most people like me... so what the hell is my problem? i swear, if i didn't have kevin and my awesome family and all my friends who care about me and all the blessings that God has bestowed upon me... i would have no reason to live for myself. But i do thank God. so thats obviously not something i have to worry about.

I guess its good i'm not moving out with Morgan. i'd probably be in deeper shit than i am now. having to pay rent and car payments... while working fulltime and going to school. i'd never be able to do that. i'm just too screwed up to keep my head screwed on.

maybe i should join the military, or a convent. but then theres the whole "gay" thing. that could be an issue. hah...

Hollywoodland

These walls were built with bricks of books
The mortar was the sand
Collected between the pages
From the day I held your hand

The sunlight that your blistered body
Burned the ink onto my skin
Tattooing quotes from long gone ghosts
Festering because of sin

Had you of told me just before
That permanence arose
This room of books would have a door
Still would it stay closed

Not words of wisdom or change of pace
Could countenance I hail
The wall of books that presents itself
Upon my sallow veil

Enclosed behind a curtain
A Halloween of sorts
Will is clearly broken
So let me make this short

Inscribed upon my face it seems
The window to a soul
Reflected in eyes of brown
The truth come to be told

What wicked language tells you
Is simply beyond compare
What lies within this flesh and bone
Aching to be shared

Fiscally your excerpts pain
My future may be stolen
Where teaching lacks and sustenance fail
This heart is far from frozen

Where it does lack in being jovial
Hidden deep inside
Confidence in form of stone
Behind which I do hide

So what I mean to say is
Though few would agree
I may be marked outside
But you have not fractured me.

we'll take the trail marked on your father's map

listening to: the futile by say anything

on my mind:
-i still need to do laundry
-tattoos
-culinary school vs. history teacher
-tarot cards
-bad grades
-i've decided i'm done with being single...

its not as great as i tell myself it is. how come the world's fattest man has a wife and i can't seem to get myself a girlfriend... i'm too whiny these days. im so tired and i havent finished any of the stuff i needed to finish and all i can think about is my developing tan. oh well.

i'm currently downloading the hives. i don't think i've ever heard a single one of their songs but i've heard OF them so i decided might as well.

happy mother's day. btw. my mom got two presents from me this year. a little wooden cheese tray in the shape of a pig (inside joke... kinda) and a french olive oil dispenser. cool stuff.

speaking of cool stuff: my mom is giving me her mom's supercool vintage yellow wingback chair for my new bedroom. its kinda the pies de resistance (fukd spelling i know) of the entire room. were adding this new bedroom to our garage so i'll have a semblance of independence. with my own door to the outside and everything.

your always gunna be that guy without those friends

listening to: friends were gone by wavves

on my mind:
-skipping class
-ac/dc sucks
-joining a renaissance fair
-whats with all this hornyness all of a sudden?
-i'm much too honest
- harry potter
-motivation...

sometimes i feel like i will never be able to function as a contributing member of society. i can't get anything done. i'm never on time for anything important. i waste so much time reading, or blogging. why can't i get my shit together? i used to blame it all on my ADD which definately is a contributing factor. i am way more productive and focused when i take the medicine... its just remembering to take the medicine thats the problem. i feel like dory. i'm not stupid i've just got so much stuff going on in my head that i cant make myself remember to do anything i'm supposed to. like pay parking citations, or register for classes, or clean out my car, or go to class. i feel like if i cant do the easy shit now how will i possible get into a four ear college or go to graduate school and become a teacher and/or chef and pay bills. i just dont think i can do it!

i dont want to be a nun or in the military or anything like that. i'd hate that. but what else can i do to do things right? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???